From Failure and Depression to Ellen DeGeneres and a Million Dollars: How Kindness Helped Me Turn My Life Around
When I turned 30, my life imploded.
I had spent nearly a decade building a career in journalism only to leave it all behind in search of work that felt more meaningful … even though I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. It was a crazy choice; from scratch, I’d worked my way into writing for publications like the International Business Times, BBC, and others. Deep down, though, no matter how successful I became, I couldn’t ignore a thought that ate away at me: I wasn’t making a difference or helping others in any way.
Around that same time, I also started to feel agonized by the lowliness of my failed ambition to get married and start a family by age 28, just as many of my friends had succeeded in doing. I know that is a specific age, but for some reason that was my deadline (now I sort of look back at this and laugh, but at the time it seemed like a big deal).
At the very least, I figured, I did have a boyfriend that I pictured a future with, but then one day he came over to my house and proclaimed, in icy fashion, that he, “just didn’t love me.” Ouch. After we broke up, I was devastated as I sat alone and scrolled photos of my couple friends hanging together without me. I even had one friend ban me from her bridal shower because she said single people weren’t invited.
After my journalism career folded and I began to come to terms with the idea that I’d die alone, I started waitressing at a restaurant to pay bills. Then, I got FIRED for the first time ever. I didn’t even think I was the firing type, but the manager let me go because she said it looked like I didn’t want to be there, which was true, but still.
After that, I got hired for a job in a new field I’d never worked in before. My optimism was high until I realized I was bad at my job. Eventually, the company realized that too, and they also let me go.
As if things couldn’t get worse, I randomly got hit by a car, broke my leg, and had to get knee surgery, which put me completely out of commission for a while. I’d started going to therapy hoping to get support for my troubles, but instead, I ended up working through deep-seated emotional issues related to the loss of both my dad and my brother.
Woof, what a time.
In moments like these, doesn’t it feel like life just wants to give you more than you can handle to test your will to survive? I felt like a loveless, jobless, broken-legged loser, and I just wasn’t sure how I was going to turn things around. As depression set in, I craved isolation, so I started locking myself in my room to hermit the time away. Funny thing about depression: it makes us want the things that make it worse and not want the things that make it better.
So wait, how does all this misery relate back to Ellen and a million dollars? Keep reading.
My Escape: Random Acts of Kindness
Trying to find an intervention, I discovered that going for walks around my neighborhood helped make me feel better. As I strolled, I started picking flowers and then giving them to strangers. The gesture made people smile, which gave me something to feel good about.
At some point, giving flowers to strangers led to other random acts of kindness like offering to take peoples’ pictures whenever I passed a tourist site, buying candy for grocery store clerks, and giving people compliments.
One day, a friend caught onto my random acts of kindness, and she encouraged me to record one to share on social media. I felt extremely uncomfortable because I wasn’t doing any of this for attention, and I also didn’t have any video creation skills. I did, however, like the idea of creating positive content for others to enjoy. Besides, unlike the content I was creating during my former journalism career, I thought, maybe this stood the chance of lifting someone’s spirit. I mean I feel hopeful when I watch positive videos of people helping others. Don’t you?
Since I had developed a passion for flowers, I decided to post a call-out on Facebook looking for someone in Los Angeles who deserved a bouquet. A friend answered my post recommending a girl she knew named Haley. She said Haley had lost her dad not long before her wedding day, so a nice bouquet could really cheer her up. I immediately gravitated toward Haley’s story since I could relate to the pain of losing your father unexpectedly. Plus, as I’d mentioned I was working through the grief in therapy already, so why not find a way to transform my own pain into an opportunity to comfort someone else?
To put this random act of kindness into action, I had our mutual friend help arrange a time and day for the surprise to occur over the weekend – Haley knew someone would be stopping by for some reason, but she didn’t know who or why.
As I planned this random act of kindness, in the background I happened to be chatting on a dating app with a guy named Alex. When Alex invited me to meet up for cocktails, I put another idea out there, “instead of going for a drink, how about you accompany me on a random act of kindness?” Then, I told him what I was planning. I was both shocked and thrilled when Alex said yes.
Side note: turns out that when you fail hard and get depressed, it makes you feel like you have nothing else to lose, so you find yourself doing crazy things that you might not otherwise do. If I were completely sane, would I have asked a total stranger to accompany me on a really personal act of kindness? Probably not. Also, I think by this point in my life, I’d also gone on a lot of online dates and was tired of drinking.
Anyhow, on a Sunday, I found myself rolling up on Alex with my iPhone camera blazing to document this act of kindness, which he didn’t seem to mind. He and I drove to Vons and bought flowers then cruised over to Hailey’s house to surprise her. You can watch the video here if you’d like. I never expected the experience to be as meaningful as it was for all three of us, but it turns out it made a difference. Personally, I can say that in the midst of depression, I struggled to feel like my life mattered. During that act of kindness, though, I realized that reaching beyond ourselves to do something good for someone else can also be self-empowering (even though that wasn’t the intention). When I saw first-hand how small acts of good make a big difference my world became just a little bit brighter.
That Moment When Everything Changes
After the act of kindness, I released the video on Facebook to share with friends, and as it got shared again and again, it went viral. When it caught the attention of a few different viral video channels that republished it, the video views escalated into the millions. As I witnessed the reactions to the video rollout, I realized this type of positive content was something people really wanted more of in their lives. So, I decided to do another random act of kindness and filmed that one as well. To my surprise, that video also went viral. I decided I was onto something, so I gave this kindness thing a name and a website, just to make it more official. I definitely didn’t start out intending to found a kindness movement, but I was willing to follow it wherever it would lead. Again, I had nothing to lose.
This is where things got even crazier. While Alex and I had a marvelous time on our date, things didn’t work out for us romantically, but I still honor him for being a stand-up man and saying yes to such a vulnerable invite as the one I extended to him. When the random act of kindness was over, we hugged it out and moved on; I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again. Then ….
A couple of years later, a producer at the Ellen DeGeneres Show randomly contacted me. She told me that, for Ellen DeGeneres’ sixtieth birthday show, she was filling the audience with do-gooders and that she’d like to invite Alex, Haley, and me out to the show. Remember: I hadn’t talked to Alex in two years! So, imagine his surprise when I randomly called him and asked him to come.
He was stoked, especially since Chance the Rapper made an appearance during the show taping, which turned out to be one of his favorite stars. Just when we thought things couldn’t get better, Alex, Hayley, and I were sitting in the audience when Ellen announced … drum roll ... she was giving us ONE MILLION DOLLARS!! As an audience, we’d split the sum, and even though it wasn’t a huge allotment of money once we divided it up and paid taxes, I like to think that it was the universe’s subtle way of rewarding Alex and Haley for being a part of that video. It also helped me to continue doing random acts of kindness, which I’ve always paid for out of my own pocket.
Jumping Forward: A Lesson in Kindness
These days when I reflect on this story, I honestly still can’t believe that I’m talking about my life. During that time at rock bottom, I regularly questioned the purpose of my existence and felt like there wasn’t a reason for me to go on. I clearly had no idea what was coming. From feeling stuck in a bad place to thriving, kindness helped me find a way back to feeling better. Turns out, it’s as mutually beneficial for the giver as the receiver.
In the end, I learned that our problems are seasons, and since we are hardwired for resiliency, we have an incredible capacity to come back better from the things that seem to destine us for doom.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it, there is always so much more waiting for you than you could ever expect there to be in the future. Just hang in there and continue to allow life to surprise you. If you’d like to experiment with the impact of doing kind deeds, feel free to take my three-day kindness challenge.