Why I Keep Choosing to Be Kind (My Answers Might Surprise You)
Midnight at Ma’Kai Lounge: DJ beats pumping, red and blue lights swirling. I stepped off the dance floor to take a breather when a guy approached, perched his elbow up on the bar, then leaned in to ask what I was thinking about.
“Ever heard of optimistic nihilism,” I asked? Much to my surprise, this guy actually took interest and stayed engaged.
“Optimistic nihilism,” I went on, “posits that life is fundamentally meaningless. From this perspective, it doesn’t really matter what we do with our time, which means we each get to make the empowered choice to define meaning for ourselves, enjoy life as we see fit, while we still can … until we ultimately die.”
I didn’t realize how depressing that might come across to someone who didn’t know me that well until I had already said it, but there’s actually more to Optimistic Nihilism than what sounds initially like hopelessness. It offers one of the fundamental reasons why I continue to do acts of kindness.
Be Kind and Embrace Optimistic Nihilism
Why on earth would someone who comes across as so cheery adopt any form of nihilistic view? Hear me out.
Optimistic Nihilism helps me to redefine and simplify purpose in a world where I think we’ve learned to put so much pressure on ourselves that, for some of us, it leads to creative paralysis, lack of fulfillment, and a chronic sensation of never enoughness. In many ways, we are living in an incredible era of possibility, which is arguably more empowering than living during the days of sending messages via carrier pigeon and traveling in covered wagons. The gifts of technological advancement and increased connectedness are many (I mean as we speak people are working on sending humans to Mars, isn’t that wild?). So I’m not saying society today isn’t amazing -- it really is -- I’m just acknowledging that it also has its ramifications.
Once upon a time, I used to think achievement was the meaning of life. My family encouraged me to study hard to get good grades, so I could get into a good college. Then after I got into a good college, I was encouraged to do really well in school so I could get a good job. When I graduated, I worked really hard to get to the peak of my journalism career by moving to New York City and racking up bylines in top media outlets (BBC, the International Business Times, National Geographic, etc … I was really committed). No matter how far I climbed up the ladder, though, I always felt like I was missing something.
Then in 2011 when my dad unexpectedly passed away I lost the ability, willingness, and desire to function in achievement mode. On top of that, social comparison crept in as I looked at photos of happy and successful people on Instagram and Facebook who I perceived as farther along in their careers and much better off in their lives than I was at the time.
In the throes of grief and loss, I started asking myself fundamental, yet depressing, questions like, if we’re all destined to die, then why bother being successful? Who cares? The farther I went down this bottomless mental rabbit hole, the more depressed I became. For an overachiever, pointlessness felt like a form of soul death, so I had to learn to embrace the idea that ultimately we are the creators of meaning in our lives.
We are all on a quest to discover meaning, to take our voids then fill them with something instead of leaving them agape.
To glean from our losses the important lessons we otherwise wouldn't have gleaned.
To do what we think we cannot and realize the limitless resilience of our character.
““It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds ... who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, “”
Paying forward spontaneous moments of joy, warmth, and connection with strangers around the world is how I’ve come to create a greater sensation of meaning in a life that has felt at times been very challenging. For as fleeting as these little blips of kindness, joy, warmth, and love may be, it makes a difference, which means that what I do matters in some way.
Coming to terms with impermanence
“You never conquer a mountain. You stand on the summit a few moments; then the wind blows your footprints away. ”
In 2018, I traveled to a Buddhist center in the Austrian Alps called Gomde and lived there as part of a volunteer work exchange program called Workaway. Volunteering in exchange for room and board was part of the appeal, but I had also wanted to learn more about Buddhist philosophy because it seemed beneficial (everyone these days is talking about meditation it seems).
While at Gomde, everyone was really open to answering my prying questions, which is how I came across the concept of impermanence. Basically, the tighter we hold on to things, the more we suffer because everything in the world comes and goes, and often we can’t control the timing. The sun rises and then it sets. People move in and out of our lives. We achieve one goal, then make plans to achieve another. Caught in an endless cycle of chaos, we look for certainty and if we can’t find it, we create it, or at least that’s what we try to do.
I kind of want to cringe saying this because it’s so cliche, but I’ll say it anyway. Embracing the present moment can help combat our sadness about the fleeting nature of life and the overwhelming prospect of the unknown. When I am extending acts of kindness and helping others, it calls my attention to the person in front of me. I notice the feeling of our connection, the warmth of their smile, the sound of their laughter. I feel in tune with the simple preciousness of human beings. The experience rejuvenates my soul and restores my faith in humanity. I am truly living in the moment, which is when I feel most at peace with impermanence.
Creating positive memories to reflect on later also elicits happiness because we can relive something in retrospect and still get the same warm, fuzzy feels. If I encounter a moment of misdirection, I can remember that because my life has mattered at one point before and that I was able to create meaning, I still have the power to do that in the future. When I feel better, I am able to do more to help others.
Acts of Kindness Simplify Purpose
In the United States, I’ve found it a very intrinsic part of American culture to put purpose on an unreachable pedestal. It’s a country full of charismatic leaders; people who’ve pulled themselves up by their own boot strings in pursuit of the American dream; entrepreneurs and … self-proclaimed life coaches. While I’m grateful for the inspiration, freedom, and opportunities this capitalistic system offers, I also see its shortcomings, especially after living many years abroad.
On top of that, the emphasis on having more stuff is actually a global issue. While studying the Science of Well-Being through Yale, I learned that these reference points (high achievement and accumulation of goods) don’t actually make us happier. So, what does?
Personally, kindness and its many facets help me experience a greater sense of satisfaction and purpose. In my opinion, doing simple good things repetitively compounds over time to make a big difference versus when I look down the path at a lofty goal, I actually feel like I am accomplishing less over time as I work my way there. I’ve come to reason that not all of us are destined to become Tony Robbins or Oprah Winfrey. We can, however, be that friend who answers a 3 a.m. call. We can be that romantic partner who chooses understanding over anger and makes an effort to try something new to improve a relationship, instead of giving up. We can be that stranger who makes eye contact, smiles, then gives someone a compliment, even if it’s uncomfortable. We can be that neighbor who brings our extra lemons from the backyard tree to the person next door just because.
It might not seem like much, but you never really know just how meaningful your simple gestures might be in the life of someone else. Also, kindness has a powerful multiplying effect. Any time someone has done something kind for me, it has inspired me to do something kind for someone else, and so forth. It really is a system that lends itself to paying it forward.
Some People Get it Wrong, and That’s Ok
During my travels, I’ve come across a few people who’ve tried to guess why kindness matters so much to me. For example, at a networking event in Thailand, some Youtuber dude told me he had watched my kindness videos and had come to the conclusion that I was a spoiled little rich girl out spending daddy’s money to “help” people so I could satisfy my need for superiority. Ouch, right? I’m not very skilled at comebacks, and that was a moment I definitely thought of everything I wish I could have said later.
Other people have guessed that I’m religious and am trying to win that golden ticket through the pearly gates, which is also incorrect. I already have my ticket. Kidding. Not that it’s necessary to say, but I self identify as being somewhat of a spiritual philosopher who dabbles in Buddhism. I also love traveling around the world, observing other spiritual pathways, and appreciating their beauty.
While I don’t agree with these judgments because they’re simply not true, I also don’t blame people either. When we do anything publicly, we put ourselves out there to be judged for better or for worse. Each one of us views the world through our own perspective that is shaped by our cumulative life experiences, environment, and a slew of other factors. I could see how it would be pretty easy to view me as a goody two-shoes rich girl without knowing me. It would be pretty hard to guess that someone like me might spend their precious dollars on doing kind things for others because they’re acutely aware of their own demise based on their own experience with grief and the brevity of life. These are the conversations I’d rather have.
Other questions I often get asked about the Kind Effect:
So wait, if you’re not rich how do you afford this?
Actually, the acts of kindness I usually perform don’t cost that much money. My favorite kind deed is to buy someone flowers and you can get cheap bouquets from Trader Joes, Costco, and the Original Los Angeles Flower Market. My favorite money budgeting guru is Ramit Sethi from I Will Teach You to be Rich. He has really effective plans for automating and differentiating your savings so you can feel comfortable spending mercilessly on the things that make you happy, like acts of kindness :) … instead of just saying you can’t afford it. For example, I don’t like to spend a lot of my personal budget on dining out because it’s just not that important to me, but I am more than happy to drop coin on an inflatable T-Rex costume, so I can wear it around my neighborhood and make people laugh.
Do you ever give out money?
It would be epic to be that legit, but unfortunately, that’s not within my financial means at the moment. I’m honestly just a humble, minimalistic budget traveler person who does what I can with what I have. I’ve often had fantasies, though, of buying everyone in a bar a round, even if it’s crowded. A girl can dream.
Do you have a production team for your videos?
I wish! Getting the videos done has been a combination of either shooting them myself, setting the camera up then handing it to a stranger to hold, and seeking the help of friends who have volunteered their time to participate in kind deeds. Over the years, I’ve built a loving network of talented content creator friends who value travel and artistic expression as much as I do. I feel really lucky to have their help every here and again.
Are you a goodie goodie?
Haha, not by any measure. I much more consider myself a fun-loving, nomadic, non-conformist, PG rebel.
How do you choose who to be kind to?
Great question. If I am planning an act of kindness, I often follow my inspiration and have some kind of good deed in mind. Then, I’ll put random call-outs on Facebook looking for humans to surprise. Sometimes, it happens the other way around where I’ll feel inspired by someone then plan a good deed for them. There really isn’t much logic to it.
I think I saw you shouting at someone on the freeway from the window of your Pontiac. Why aren’t you kind all the time?
I will answer your question with a question, are you capable of being kind every second of the day? Probably not. I think kindness is a constant pursuit. Even if we do our best to be kind, we will always wobble. Plus, have you ever driven in Los Angeles? It’s infuriating.
Do you have more questions for me? Don’t be shy. Send me an email at Megan@TheKindEffect.com
