What is Kindness?
During lunchtime in elementary school, I often sat in the shade of a tree on the outskirts of the playground and ate my lunch alone.
A lot of kids heckled me for being weird, which was somewhat true -- I’ve always been a bit strange. At the time, though, their response wasn’t helpful. They didn't understand that when I was there under that tree, I felt like less of an outsider than when I was with other people.
In 1991, my parents planted that tree on the playground to commemorate the very short life of my older brother Ryan, who had passed away at just eight years old. Through those early days, many spaces at home where Ryan once dwelled felt despairingly empty because they were filled with the void of his absence: the swimming pool we used to play in, his empty chair at the dinner table, his quiet room where we used to play video games. At school, I could be surrounded by other kids, yet feel alone because my life was painted by subject matter I felt other children couldn’t relate to (you know like, contemplating the end of our existence).
Meanwhile, the quiet tree on the outskirts of the playground represented the promise of new life in Ryan’s memory, which comforted me in the way any six-year-old struggling to come to terms with mortality might feel comforted.
So what does this have to do with kindness?
Reflecting on this snippet of my past brings me back to one important element of kindness that, I think, really matters. That is this: kindness happens when we reach for understanding over making quick judgments about others. Until we hear someone’s story, we never really know them and what unimaginable truths they might be facing at home. The greatest difference we can make in the lives of others is to approach them with curiosity, kindness, and compassion, even if it’s not the easiest option.
What is kindness and why is it so difficult to be kind?
There are many definitions of kindness, but I think it is best summed up in this quote from the movie The House Bunny:
“Kindness is just love with its work boots on. ”
Truth is, I think kindness can be a bit annoying. Actually, it’s really annoying. I don’t know about you, but I definitely feel that way. Why? Because kindness requires us to think more and take more action, instead of going about life on auto-pilot, which is so much easier. For example, without kindness, I would never have to consider how my behavior and choices affect others. I could just do whatever I wanted without having to pause and evaluate it first or feel guilty after.
Let’s think of it this way, what is actually harder? In a sense just going through the motions of life is “easier,” but is it rewarding? Does it elicit the invaluable gifts of vulnerability that lead to deeper connections? Does it challenge us to learn and grow? Does it fill us with purpose or create meaning?
Being kind takes more effort because it forces us to consider what type of person we want to be, what type of life we want to lead, and the legacy we want to leave behind. None of this is easy at all. Plus, there’s no perfect guidebook for any of it, so it’s a very figure-it-out-as-you-go-and-do-your-best kind of model, which leaves room for us to fall short of our intentions sometimes.
Also, most humans can choose what side of themselves they want to act from, which means not everyone is going to respect you, or treat you fairly out of love. Sometimes even though we want to be kind, we can’t extend that gift to everyone because we need boundaries to keep ourselves safe.
“We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on...that’s who we really are.”
But wait, there’s more! Kindness is also tough because it brings up a lot of moral questions:
Some people on earth have done some really bad things. Do I really have to be kind to those whom I don’t think deserve it?
How do I come to terms with the fact that I can’t be kind every moment of the day?
Sometimes life is really hard, and I don’t have the time, energy, money, or internal well-being to be able to help others. What then?
Does being kind mean I just let other people walk all over me?
If I help others and do acts of kindness because it makes me feel good, does that make me a selfish, self-serving steaming pile of garbage?
Like you, I also ask myself these questions, but when I catch myself in a paralyzing down spiral I like to imagine that if you are contemplating what role altruism plays in your life, you’re probably a lot kinder person than you realize.
The Characteristics of Kindness and Kindness Examples
Kindness takes many forms, but here are some of its characteristics so you can recognize when you are being kind or when someone else is being kind to you.
Unconditional Love: extending love to others without the expectation of receiving anything in return and without any covert intentions.
Inconvenience: going out of your way to help others who you can assist with your special skills, knowledge, and unique gifts.
Empathy over judgment: compassionately considering that you don’t know someone’s full story before you judge them.
Boundaries: giving to others in a way that feels right to you; to people whom you deem safe to give to; for as much as you feel comfortable giving without overextending yourself.
Thoughtfulness: taking action on making someone feel loved.
True service: helping others by giving them what they truly need and by helping them in ways that are truly helpful to them instead of imposing your own idea of what would be good for them onto them.
Spontaneity: giving people something they didn't even know they needed, or without their asking, with the intention of brightening their day.
Discomfort: choosing love, even when it’s hard.
Support: choosing to listen to someone for listening’s sake instead of giving them advice (unless they ask for it).
Speaking up: clarifying how you’d like to be treated so you can pave the way for others to treat more people with respect.
With this in mind, what does it mean to be kind? Here are some kindness examples:
When we challenge our way of thinking by putting ourselves into the shoes of another, we are being kind.
When we pause before acting, so we can be responsive instead of reactive, we are being kind.
When we do things for others that make us feel uncomfortable, we are being kind.
When we offer love without conditions, we are being kind.
When we actively go out of our way to help others without them asking, even when we will likely get little to nothing in return, we are being kind.
When we listen to what someone is going through and fight the need to change them or offer advice, we are being kind.
When we give up our burning desire to be right, we are being kind.
When we acknowledge and address our jealousy, so we may still celebrate the achievements of others, we are being kind.
When we acknowledge that most people are doing their best in the best way that they know how at that time, we are being kind.
Why is kindness important?
Remember earlier when I talked about that time in my life when I felt alone and misunderstood at school? There is one really important detail that I left out. Her name is Miranda.
I don’t remember how Miranda and I met, but I do remember the impact she made in my life at the time. Miranda made me feel accepted because she magically saw past my adversity, recognized my goodness, and just wanted to have fun together. I think a lot of people felt uncomfortable around me because they knew what had happened in my family, but didn’t know what to say, so instead, they said nothing. It meant a lot that Miranda honestly just made me feel normal and through that, I was able to get the love, support, and sense of belonging I really needed to thrive. The greatest gift that she gave me was her friendship.
Without the Mirandas of the world, there would be a lot more isolation, suffering, and sadness. I’d like to think that having her as a friend ultimately led me down a better path -- who knows maybe otherwise I would have become a psychopath or lived in a van down by a river.
Miranda taught me that you have the power to positively alter the course of someone else’s life by embracing the simple, yet powerful goodness of kindness.
